Ana my niece

About a week ago my now 3 year old niece (my brothers daughter) was diagnosed with Epilepsy.
She started having seizures a few weeks after my dad passed away last year. She had her first one August 4th, 2013. To date she has had about 18 seizures.
18 in a little more then a year. That is way to much for a little girl to go through.
The last one she had a few months ago was the worse of them all.
I arrived to my moms house as they were loading her into the ambulance.
From what I was told she turned blue. I have witnessed 13-14 of her seizures. 
She was also told she has a horseshoe kidney. I've never heard of that before till a few months ago. Her kidney is connected basically shaped like a horseshoe.

It is terrifying to see her having a seizure.
It breaks my heart to know she will have to live with this all her life.
She won't be alone though.
Sometimes I think life is so unfair to us.
Things always seem to be going downhill and climbing back up gets more difficult every time. Then I realize life isn't being unfair. God sends us things like this to keep us united. To keep us close to eachother. To teach us that life might not seem good now but we have to learn to make the most of it.
And thats exactly what we are doing. Sticking together and making the most of it. I love all my nieces and nephews. I will always drop what I am doing to be by their side when they need me. Always!

18 years of Sweet Memories

Well on the 25th was our 18th year anniversary. 
The hubs and I have been together for 18 years.
A lifetime of memories have been made.
I have to give it to my hubs though.
These last 7 months I have been a mess.
I can be happy one second and totally in a funk the next second.
I have to give it to him though. Not once does he lose his cool. This man never looses his cool.  Yes I'm an emotional wreck. 

I know he does it bc he loves me he knows my heart is torn to pieces.
I'm getting it under control.
Things are getting better.

He isn't perfect and neither am I.
We both have our flaws (he has more then me :)
We have our ups and downs just like everyone else.
He says I'm high maintenance and the cause of half of his white hair.
The other half is caused by our 3 girls who are right behind me. (He says)
We learn new things everyday as a couple and as parents.
We try our best which sometimes isnt even half of that. Its ok though thats how you learn to get better at things.
He's a great man.
God has truly blessed me with him.

Thank you for 18 wonderful years and the many more that are to come.

Harder then I thought.

This heaviness I feel in my chest makes me sick to my stomach. Some days I feel like a zombie and somedays life just seems like a routine.
  I'm tired of hurting, its sucking the joy out of me.
I have decided it's time to help myself to overcome this. I want to smile and really mean it.
I'm ready to be happy again. I'm ready to just be myself again.
Being bitter is just not something I want to be the rest of my life.
Losing my dad changed me, watching him slowly slip away and not being able to do a single thing to help him affected me more then I could handle. Rubbing his leg as he took his last breath took a toll on me months later.
I was strong through it all so reality hit me a little late.  I know he wouldn't like to see me this way. I'm strong, he knows I'm strong. He's going to help me be myself again.
My heart hurts way to much but I realize it hurts more then it should bc I haven't let him go.
In three days it will be 6 months since my dad passed away, 6 months since I last saw him and with all this pain my heart holds I have decided to let him go.  I'm ready to accept gods will.

I get that you were tired and I know you constantly prayed to god to take you home.
You never accepted the fact you were paralyzed and living like that for 3 years was more then you could handle. 
It was hard bc before Fathers day 2010 you were 100% independent and after that you became 95% dependent on us. I know you were tired and ready to go. That is why I have decided this.
I'm ready to really let you go I'm not just saying it I'm going to do it. 
My heart is ready, I'm ready.
I am not going to post another post that makes me sad.
I'm going to remember the happy times. I am going to cry happy tears.
Daddy I'm ready. I know you will remain close to us  just like you have done.
I will always carry you in my heart and keep your memory alive.
I miss you terribly I'm sure you know that, Life is different and this new normal isn't easy but I will learn to live with it.  I love you dad.
May you rest in peace daddy dearest. 
01/24/1951 - 07/18/2013