Ana my niece

About a week ago my now 3 year old niece (my brothers daughter) was diagnosed with Epilepsy.
She started having seizures a few weeks after my dad passed away last year. She had her first one August 4th, 2013. To date she has had about 18 seizures.
18 in a little more then a year. That is way to much for a little girl to go through.
The last one she had a few months ago was the worse of them all.
I arrived to my moms house as they were loading her into the ambulance.
From what I was told she turned blue. I have witnessed 13-14 of her seizures. 
She was also told she has a horseshoe kidney. I've never heard of that before till a few months ago. Her kidney is connected basically shaped like a horseshoe.

It is terrifying to see her having a seizure.
It breaks my heart to know she will have to live with this all her life.
She won't be alone though.
Sometimes I think life is so unfair to us.
Things always seem to be going downhill and climbing back up gets more difficult every time. Then I realize life isn't being unfair. God sends us things like this to keep us united. To keep us close to eachother. To teach us that life might not seem good now but we have to learn to make the most of it.
And thats exactly what we are doing. Sticking together and making the most of it. I love all my nieces and nephews. I will always drop what I am doing to be by their side when they need me. Always!

18 years of Sweet Memories

Well on the 25th was our 18th year anniversary. 
The hubs and I have been together for 18 years.
A lifetime of memories have been made.
I have to give it to my hubs though.
These last 7 months I have been a mess.
I can be happy one second and totally in a funk the next second.
I have to give it to him though. Not once does he lose his cool. This man never looses his cool.  Yes I'm an emotional wreck. 

I know he does it bc he loves me he knows my heart is torn to pieces.
I'm getting it under control.
Things are getting better.

He isn't perfect and neither am I.
We both have our flaws (he has more then me :)
We have our ups and downs just like everyone else.
He says I'm high maintenance and the cause of half of his white hair.
The other half is caused by our 3 girls who are right behind me. (He says)
We learn new things everyday as a couple and as parents.
We try our best which sometimes isnt even half of that. Its ok though thats how you learn to get better at things.
He's a great man.
God has truly blessed me with him.

Thank you for 18 wonderful years and the many more that are to come.

Harder then I thought.

This heaviness I feel in my chest makes me sick to my stomach. Some days I feel like a zombie and somedays life just seems like a routine.
  I'm tired of hurting, its sucking the joy out of me.
I have decided it's time to help myself to overcome this. I want to smile and really mean it.
I'm ready to be happy again. I'm ready to just be myself again.
Being bitter is just not something I want to be the rest of my life.
Losing my dad changed me, watching him slowly slip away and not being able to do a single thing to help him affected me more then I could handle. Rubbing his leg as he took his last breath took a toll on me months later.
I was strong through it all so reality hit me a little late.  I know he wouldn't like to see me this way. I'm strong, he knows I'm strong. He's going to help me be myself again.
My heart hurts way to much but I realize it hurts more then it should bc I haven't let him go.
In three days it will be 6 months since my dad passed away, 6 months since I last saw him and with all this pain my heart holds I have decided to let him go.  I'm ready to accept gods will.

I get that you were tired and I know you constantly prayed to god to take you home.
You never accepted the fact you were paralyzed and living like that for 3 years was more then you could handle. 
It was hard bc before Fathers day 2010 you were 100% independent and after that you became 95% dependent on us. I know you were tired and ready to go. That is why I have decided this.
I'm ready to really let you go I'm not just saying it I'm going to do it. 
My heart is ready, I'm ready.
I am not going to post another post that makes me sad.
I'm going to remember the happy times. I am going to cry happy tears.
Daddy I'm ready. I know you will remain close to us  just like you have done.
I will always carry you in my heart and keep your memory alive.
I miss you terribly I'm sure you know that, Life is different and this new normal isn't easy but I will learn to live with it.  I love you dad.
May you rest in peace daddy dearest. 
01/24/1951 - 07/18/2013 

Sometimes words aren't enough

My mom is in California, sadly shes not there on vacation.
My cousin was killed last week, my mom went to be with my aunt & uncle.
It has been years since she last went.

My cousin Mike was something else and maybe a bit on the wild side but we never judge him & we accepted him for who he was.
We didn't care what he did, we didn't care who he hanged with, we simply didnt care or base our affection for him on that.
We loved him bc he was part of us, part of this huge family.

The last time I saw him was years ago but we kept in contact. First MySpace then Facebook, he was never a stranger.
It hurts that hes gone, it hurts a lot. I hurt for my uncles, I hurt for my mom. Its a terrible feeling.
One I hope no one has to go through again.

My mom saw him a few years ago and he never changed with her he was lovable and loved to joke around with her. He was awesome with my brothers. They loved his huge pimped out van.

He was laid to rest yesterday (as in 7/27/12), he is resting in a better place now with better people in a much better world.
He will forever be missed and left a void that my uncles won't ever be able to fill.

I have great memories of the time we spent together as kids & teenagers, the last one I have was the best, it was in our teen years.
I remember it was me, 2 more of our boy cousins & a few friends of theirs, we did some crazy things it was great, just remembering that day puts a huge smile on my face and thats how im going to remember him.

He did make something happen that sadly it had to be under these circumstances but he made it happen. He ended a family distance between my mom & one of her sisters. A distance of 10-11 or maybe more years. Lets just say they hadn't spoke to eachother since 1998.
Not going into details about it, all I can say is I'm happy for my mom. I'm happy that all the family came together.
That peace was made between some hopefully just maybe it will stay that way.

Michael made a lot of the family come together family I didn't even know we had.
Unfortunately we all couldn't go. Some of us had tl stay and watch my dad, keep each other company.
Like they say we had to stay and keep the fort standing.
Maybe if they plan a family reunion & under other circumstances we all can make it.

I can see all the changes he is making happen he has made a difference already.

I do have to say I wish they could put a stop to gang violence.
My cousin was killed in a drive-by shooting in Oakland, California.
He took a bullet not intended for him. He was shot in the head right next to the temple.
From what I been told he was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Gangs are out of control especially there.
You can't get schooled about gangs, you have to come from the streets to know how to handle them. Maybe they need to change strategies. Just saying you know.

It upsets me bc a life was lost.
He has kids that will never get to meet or see him, that will never get to know what a hug from him feels like.
They were robed of the opportunity of hearing an I love you from him. They were left fatherless.
A mom and dad were left with a tremendous amount of pain, a pain that may never heal.

Sadly he is no longer here.
As they say I'm not saying goodbye I'm just saying see you later.
You earned your wings and have become our guardian angel next to my gpa Rafay and my dearest nephew Josue.
R.I.P Mike, you won't ever be forgotten. June 24, 1983 - July 19, 2012

**I might of vented a little and somewhat lost the purpose of my post. It wasn't intentionally in anyway I just wanted to share what he made happen something no one could ever do and on the violence part I just spoke my mind. Finding the right words to express myself and to write this was hard. I don't want to offend anyone, if I did I apologize before hand.***

Chely

My parents

Things have been crazy around here. I thought it would slow down but by the looks of it, it isn't, I'm ok with it though. I prefer to be on the go instead of vegging out all the time.

Lots of stuff has gone on and I apologize before hand if this seems long but I must keep track of it.

My mom recently got sick. My mom has never gotten this sick before. It was bad so bad we ended up in the ER. We were told she was ok after several test had been done but for some reason I wasn't satisfied. The monitors showed different. I called a dear friend who is a nurse and she agreed with me. I snapped a picture of her Echo she had that to them she was ok. Only to later find out she really wasn't. We went to see her doctor and when she saw all the results she was upset and in disbelief they did nothing.
Lets just say the nothing they said she had ended up being several things that required her to be started on several medicines.
She has HIGH blood pressure, she has a heart problem and by the looks of it shes diabetic. She had to have her gallbladder removed asap (which they did 6/15/12) her surgery went fine but getting her to wake up and breathe better took longer then they thought. She scared us a little but thankfully shes getting better. Shes still not herself her health has really gone downhill. God willing in a few weeks shes back to her complete self. For now we are taking extra, extra care of her
My mom is a major part of who I am, who my kids are. Without her guidance I would not know what to do.
She is the reason my kids want to be successful they want to make her proud. They say they owe it to her and us.
They are somewhat right bc my mom has been that gma I never had. My moms mom was never really loving to us.
 My moms mom played favorites and while it doesn't bother me I am HAPPY my mom is loving and my kids love her in the end thats all that matters. If my grandpa was alive im sure it would be a lot more different. My gpa loved my mom and his hugs (the few I got before he passed away) were always full of love.
In his honor my 2nd boy is named just like him. I love him and miss him so much. I cant help and think one day my mom wont be here but i hope to god thats a LONG LONG time from now. I love my mom she is the backbone to this family she is what keeps us in line and all so close to each-other.

As some of you know my dad had a bad stroke 6/21/10. I cant believe it has been two years. My dad hasn't recovered, he is still completely paralyzed from his left side (neck down) he still requires someone to help him 95% of the time. He can feed himself but thats pretty much it.
I have a hard time accepting how he is a total different man. Its hard, I grew up always seeing him take care of himself 100% & now to see him like this is hard even after 2 years.
He has develop vascular dementia.
 I think his condition has taken a toll on my mom and thats why her health has deteriorated so much. All in all I am very thankful he is still here with us and I understand gods will is at work. I just miss my old dad. The one that would just get up and dance when he heard a song he liked. The one that would tend to his garden and always plant those cucumbers I love. The one that would sit in the log chair outside and it would be the 1st thing you see as you drive up to the house. I MISS my old dad and for some reason or another I just cant accept what has happened to him. I just cant. :(


While both my parents are important to me and I love both of them dearly sometimes I tend to favorite my mom, ok most of the time I favorite my mom. While a lot of girls are daddies girls, just like my girls, im not. I'm a mommas girl always have been and I will always be.
I have seen my mom go through so much and still keep her head held up high.
My dads stroke and the new man he is now.
Mistakes we all did as teens, problems caused by family.
 My gpas death (she was a daddy's girl), my older brothers many mistakes as a teen, not turning her back on us when I got pregnant with my oldest and so many more stuff. She is strong more then she can imagine. To me she is one of a kind. She is the best mother, grandmother, mother in law. Shes the best in general.

I had an update on my kids but will save that for tonight or tomorrow.

Chely

Teen parents

Here lately I have been wondering why they have made it seem like being a teen parent is a good thing.

We as you all know were teen parents. We didn't get a tv show and we didn't get our pictures in magazines.
I'm glad we didn't. Being a mom at such a young age was hard. We had our first one at 16, I was 3 weeks away from my 17th birthday. We had our second one 8 days from my 18th birthday.
I don't regret my kids (never have and never will), We were inexperienced, our parents were old fashioned, they didn't have the TALK with us, which back then I think no parent did.

Anyhow we were lucky my mom was always there to help us without her support who's knows what we would of done.
My dad was always there as well.
My hubby's mom worked a lot and she contributed with what she could but we were always ok.

 What I'm trying to say being a teen parent isn't easy, yes we had support but my hubby and I worked to provide for our kids.
We stayed in school but later it got more complicated so I decided to get home schooled and my hubby went to school 1 hour a week and got work for the whole week.
I had a teacher come to my house and teach me once a week. She enrolled me in a program they had for teen mothers back then.
Every A I got a would get 100 dollars. Every report card I got was straight As. which was awesome.

By this time I was not working my hubby wanted me to stay in school. Till this day I thank him for that.
Along the way we lost friends but gained true friends. Some that I still have contact with through fb since we moved here to Arkansas a few years later. A few were teen moms as well so they knew what we were dealing with. :)

While other teens were out shopping, going to prom, party's and all the cool stuff teens got to do. We stayed home and took care of our little ones. We did do fun stuff but kid friendly fun stuff. It was hard, sometimes it was more then hard. We stuck together and have overcome so much.
Gangs, drive-bys, drugs and fights. NONE which we were involved in but someone close to my husband always put us in that kind of danger. Till one day I got up and left back to my moms house and my hubby came with us. Shortly after that we moved here with my parents.

And this is why...
We are doing the best we can to prevent our kids from being teen parents and keep them out of trouble.
We talk to them and we are involved in everything they do.
While some have hit the mom you are over protective age and ask for me to take it easy. I let them know its for their own good.
Its hard especially after I was a teen myself.
I want my kids to know to be aware what the consequences will be if you don't do things right.
Sometimes something as simple as grades can be a huge discussion in our family.
We tell them the grades make you not the talent.
What good can it be if your really talented but don't make good grades.

My girls have big plans of what they want to be. They have careers chosen and I'm glad they see themselves getting far. It makes me proud the have ambitions and dreams. My 3 girls love school. They are high mantience and spoiled rotten by their daddy. They however do deserve it. They work hard and make it so easy to raise them school wise that is.  They can also be huge drama queens. :)

My boys on the other hand have one dream or more like two.
Play college football and play in the NFL. Its a huge dream the 3 Gonzalez boys have and only god and time will tell if that's what they are suppose to do  We tell them the same thing all the time.
You have to have something to fall back on, football isn't forever. You cant go to college and study football you need a career to major in.
We get called dream poppers but hey its reality. RIGHT?
While my younger 2 have a ways to go my oldest will be going to High school this fall. He has dreamed about playing high school football since he was younger.
We tell him he can play as long as he keep good grades. Bad grades-no football, I guess I also have to thank the law academy, which he is excited to be part of it and to stay in the law academy good grades is a must.

You see what I'm saying having kids is not easy. Its not easy at any age. Imagine being a kid raising a kid. ITS HARD no matter how much support you have its hard. In the end its your child and YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. We learned that the hard way.
I'm 32 years old and never did I picture myself raising teens at this age to be exact 3 teens and 2 almost pre-teens, one honory (sp) little 7 year old and a 1 year old which I have no energy to keep up with. BOY-O-BOY

I wouldn't change any of it, I love my kids but if I can prevent my own children from being teen parents you bet yourself I will do whatever it takes to prevent it.

and this is a little of my private life I just had to share.


PLEASE no pictures LOL

Chely

A few months ago I mentioned about one of my girls having a few health issues.
She had several test done to try and get an answer why she felt the way she did.

  Miriam has been hurting in her colar bone a lot lately. They swell up and cause a lot of discomfort. She also tends to sleep a lot or suffer from insomnia.
There would be nights she would be up really late trying to fall asleep. Then there would be days she could sleep all day. Literally all day.

Anyhow she had several test done. Lab, xrays ect.
The results were as follow, she had a low, below average Vitamin D level and her thyroid showed something abnormal. I'm not really sure what it was.
From this we were told we might have to take a trip down to childrens hospital in LR to an  Endocrinology clinic.
Having issues with her thyroid was that last thing we expected. I never heard of something like that in young kids.
We were lucky that they endocrinologist (sp) in Rogers will see her since she is 12 already. She has her appt on the 9th of Feb.

I been doing some reading and some stuff just sounds scary.
Which I'm sure she don't have any of.
Even tho some of the symptoms she has are almost alike.
I always thought heavy ppl only suffered from their thyroid problems but I was wrong.
Apparently this is common in kids and a lot more common in teens.

I can't help it, I'm worried. I guess that's part of being a mom.
For now all I can do is pray for positive results.

:/
Chely